Monday, November 24, 2008

No Longer Grounded

My self imposed grounding on posting here until I got some work done around the house was quasi-successful. The main success being I stuck with the not posting. The work being done, not so much. Lots of things got in the way - football (the last play off game, which was exciting until half time and then we went out with a big loss), travel, dentist appointments, sinus and flu issues, anxiety attacks, and all those little day-to-day time eaters like last minute errands and what not. Still, I finally got the laundry caught up (although I saw last night that it's piling up again, mainly with football gear) and I started in on my swap creation.

This leaves me with two days in which to do my Thanksgiving Dinner shopping, get my house ready for my daughter's family of eight to descend (where we are going to find room for everyone I have NO idea!), finish my swap gift, make/package/mail something overseas, and go to a doctor's appointment (a long overdue general check up). I've already gone waaaaay past the point of even pretending I'll get it all done and so that's a big stress gone.

Perhaps the most successful part of my post free week was reflecting on my chaos and coming up with some new insights into what I want to do with my life. No, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but I think I know a bit more about what I don't want to be, always good to narrow the focus a bit more.

One thing I realized is how much my environment is a factor in my mood or general lack of energy or whatever you want to call it. I've lived here in this small town longer than I've ever lived any place else in my life and we have many memories, some difficult, most happy, and yet, I am absolutely certain now that for me, this location is a backwater eddy, a dead end street. I won't be going anywhere with my life if I stay here because, to do a twist on Getrude Stein, "There is no here here." There is stark beauty and friendship and kindness and peace and clean air and water here. And for some people, there is also inspiration here. Just not for me.

There, I said it. I haven't wanted to say it because it sounds like I dislike this town, which is not true, and it sounds ungrateful for all the good things it has given me and my family. So many people talk crap about this area and it makes me feel protective towards it. But it's a relief to finally admit that I can love something while still knowing it's not right for me anymore. It's not like I haven't learned this lesson before, but apparently it's time for another spiral through it again. It's important to know when it's time to let go, when it's important to move on.

Speaking of general lack of energy, I discovered a few weeks ago that it's not all in my head. Well, it IS all in my head, but not, like I thought, in my mind. It's in my nose. Apparently over the years, slowly and insidiously, probably from airborne alergies, I've developed polyps. I finally went to the doctor with a list of symptoms, feeling rather silly about the whole thing, not even sure if the symptoms all had anything to do with each other or, if they did, sure I was having a stroke or a brain tumor or something equally dire - maybe an alien eating my brain. The doctor listened to me rattle on nervously for a couple of minutes, then shone a light up my nose and seconds later announced "Well, there's your problem." He gave me some steroid spray that he hopes will shrink them over the course of months. The most severe symptoms went away in less than a week, so I'm hoping that this means the spray is working.

You'd think I would have noticed a little thing like NOT BEING ABLE TO BREATH long before this but in fact I did not. Like I said, it was a years long process and I just adapted and adapted and adapted.... but now that I know, realizing I was getting far less oxygen than your average person, it explain a lot, doncha think? This last week some of my symptoms are back. I'm pretty convinced it's because of a sinus cold however, as it's been making the local rounds, including Hubby and William. So, feeling tired and uninspired wasn't just because I'm a lazy ass. What a relief!

Back to the whole geography thing, William has another year and a half before he graduates from high school and then, if Hubby can retire (depending on health insurance issues, where William decides to go to college, the general economy, the real estate market, and if we can figure out where we want to go) we can make a move. The idea bubbles up an entire cauldron of feelings - excitement, fear, anticipation, and confusion. It's almost a relief to know that I can't even begin to plan something as large as a move until I can get a handle on something as simple as cleaning my house. Although I secretly suspect that it will take tackling the big issue, where do we want to move and how do we get there, to solve all the little issues that probably shouldn't even be issues at all.

Bottom line, I'm glad I grounded myself. And I'm glad to be back. If, in my physical community, there's no here here for me in many ways, it's nice knowing I have here here, in this blogging community, which is, ironically, not really here at all.


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