Joshua

No, this is not his birthday. It's not the anniversary of his death. It is the anniversary of the last day I got to give him a hug.

He wanted to take Sam snowboarding as a late Christmas or birthday gift, I can't remember which. Probaby a combination, as Sam's birthday is in December. Jeff, William, Sam and I drove the two hours down to Truckee, Joshua and his girlfriend Amanda drove the two hours up, and we all met in the McDonald's parking lot in Truckee where we passed off Sam so they could go to Squaw Valley for the day. William, Jeff and I then wandered the shops in old town Truckee, had lunch, and went skating at a local rink where I took a huge fall and, among other injuries, sustained bruised ribs which left me barely able to move for weeks afterward.

Jeff and I didn't actually get to spend much time with Josh that day. We got a hug and kiss hello and another quick hug and kiss goodbye when we met back up to get Sam, as Joshua wanted to get on the road home before it got dark and icy. What I mostly remember about that day was standing there in the parking lot, a step or two apart from the noisy confusion that my family always creates, deliberately drinking in the sight and sound of Joshua. I remember that for some reason I couldn't explain (a blessing, that) I was adamant that all of us went to Truckee that day. There really hadn't been any logical reason for it, and normally I would have happily left the long drive to my hubby and stayed home and enjoyed the quiet. Still, I had been insistent almost to the point of panic.

I think, on some level, I must have known this was my last chance to say goodbye. Or at least, until we meet again. I love you, kiddo.